Beth's Ponderings

An area free from judgement where I can get my thoughts out to help keep me sane

Escaping reality

Anxiety is hitting, having a hard time stopping it. Chest pounding, mind worrying, frantic… what to do…

Have you ever just wanted to run away from your life? That seems to be the feeling I have a lot these days. Granted I would never do that, but it’s because I would feel way to guilty, and I have enough guilt I carry around right now. Isn’t that sad, that one of my reasons is just that? Guilt? Man, it’s tough dealing with a baby going on toddler, a husband that doesn’t lift a finger around the house…

Yes I know he works full time, and then I expect help with the baby at home too. But I’m drowning here, in my life. I need that extra help, at least for a short while, until things are better under control. He didn’t ask for this, but it is what it is. I’m trying, I really am.

I’m changing some of my eating habits. I’m looking into extra-curricular activities just for myself (on top of what I already do). I try desperately to get an hour each day to myself (if possible). I’ve also had a session with a counselor. And it’s still NOT ENOUGH. What is wrong with me???

I think the next step is back on medication. I hate the idea of being on medication, but I can’t handle this… feeling… anymore. It’s awful. And I take it out on my family. And I just feel like crying as I write this. Argh, what to do…

Sometimes the idea of staying in a mental institution is appealing. Meals provided, no cleaning, no worries, someone takes care of all that for you… when your life seems less appealing than an institution, what does that mean?

Back to reality, can’t escape it, must keep putting one foot in front of the other…


Where have all the play spaces gone?

What a random title for a random blog post, but it’s what I’m thinking about right now as I sit in a McDonald’s, that includes a Play Place that is not fit for my 15 month old who isn’t walking yet. And this is the only place I could think to go to get my child out of the house (for multiple reasons). Is there something wrong with this picture?

The mall used to have this play zone. You know, one of the ones that had a padded floor, with a wall surrounding it, where parents could take their kids to run around and blow off some steam. Some parents would use it while Christmas shopping, having one parent watch the kids while the other does the shopping, and then tag-team it or something along those lines. It was used; it was loved. And the mall gave it away! Yes they gave it to a great recipient, but they have no intention of replacing it. So now what’s a parent to do? My son isn’t walking, and when he starts, he isn’t going to be super steady on his feet. He can’t go in just any play space. It’s frustrating as a parent because we had something that worked, and now it’s gone.

That’s my rant for now, not sure how to fix this problem. The mall is already aware that people wanted that space and haven’t budged on rectifying the problem, so that’s that I guess. So now I will sit here, and let my child sit/stand on the seat of this bench, and wait patiently for the day when he’s old enough to join the older kids in the old kid space.


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Right now I’m struggling. Specifically with my husband and my relationship. We’ve been married almost 6 and a half years… isn’t there something about a 7 year itch? Or more divorces happen within the first 7 years? Not that I’m looking to divorce him! Goodness no! I love him so much! The problem is just that something is… missing? Different? I don’t know if I can pinpoint it.

Maybe our honeymoon period lasted longer than normal. Or maybe we’ve both changed. I know that he’s a good man, who works hard for his family. But lately when he calls me beautiful, I don’t feel it… it feels off-handed if that’s a proper context for the word. I don’t believe it I guess. I know my self-worth has always been on a roller coaster of ups and downs, but this feels… different. I don’t know how else to say it. And also, our fights or discussions! He used to come running when I’d get upset, apologize profusely. Now… nothing. It’s like he’s stopped caring or something. Or maybe my bad habits are rubbing off onto him, and he’s acting more like… me… Wow, how scary is that thought? He’s the better one of the 2 of us! Don’t be like me, stubborn, self-pitying. It’s ugly. I liked our back and forth, he’d get me out of my funk so quickly. But now there’s no trying. I get frustrated with most of our “discussions.”

How do I get out of this funk? We don’t have a lot of money, and I mean seriously things are tight. A weekend away just isn’t in the cards unless someone is willing to pay for us to go, and watch our 1 year old. We get out on date nights, but I find that my feelings in this matter are not getting better. I’m personally going to look into therapy for my own issues, so maybe that will fix this problem? I will probably talk to him about these feelings, but when is a good time for that conversation? :S It’s going to bring us down and cause tension, so no one sane would be looking forward to THAT conversation…

Like I said, struggling… questions, thoughts, running through this brain… no where else to go but typed out on this page… Must reflect… good night fellow bloggers

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Happy Halloween! Or is it? …

Today is Halloween, and I’ve feeling kind of down. This is the first Halloween in my first house, and the remnants of Hurricane Sandy are putting a damper on things today (pardon my pun). It’s raining and yucky out, so I’m not really expecting that many kids. Times are tough around here, and not one of us could afford a new costume this year. I know that there are people out there with no power, etc, but like I said, this is a no judgement zone. Pain is pain, small or large. I know my place, and when I feel down, that’s not going to stop me from whining some. That’s the last I’ll probably explain myself, as I know what I say is in my own self interest.

So anyways, feeling down. Well, with the rain, we haven’t brought in our pumpkins to be carved… yet… hopefully… and our few decorations are water logged. Will anyone be by to see them? Who knows. We are inviting some people over to watch a movie and help give out candy, so maybe that will help brighten things up, but it’s still not cheering me up right now.

Maybe getting some food in my belly will help me feel better. I shouldn’t be blogging on an empty stomach. And I should be eating while my son is down for his first nap, while I can eat my food hot.😉

Let’s try this again: TRY to have a Happy Halloween🙂



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Testing testing…1…2…3…

So this is blogging. Just sitting here, writing down whatever comes to mind. I think the hardest thing about blogging for me is going to be that I was never good at keeping up with something I started. I have a clarinet that I got for my birthday this year, just a little over a month ago, but yet it remains untouched. Granted, I do have a 14month old crawling around that keeps me on my toes, and when I would have time would be when he’s sleeping, which also doesn’t really work… but still. I’m making excuses not to use something I’ve wanted for years and have finally been blessed with!

So ya, to say that I put things on the back burner would be an understatement. But I’m hoping that this is something I stick with on a more regular basis. I think it will be a nice safe place, to write down my thoughts. I’m in the process of overcoming postpartum depression. And I’m hoping that this outlet will help. Because to be honest, I’m not dealing with my anger very well, and that’s the part that scares me the most. But maybe having this outlet, somewhere to write down my thoughts and feelings and whatever else, will be a good thing for me.

So that’s it for now, there are other things that require my attention. But I’m excited to have another blog back up and running, hopefully something that doesn’t expire because I use it (unlike my last one!) haha.



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